2022 Update - Part 2
This is part 2 of my 2022 journey. We pick up when I arrive in India with big plans to build a venture studio. Part 1 here.
March - Back to Delhi
The first few spring weeks back in Delhi were full of sunshine and people, and seemingly limitless possibilities. I went to concerts and lunches and house parties, met lots of new people, and had a really nice joint birthday party with my chacha.
I only stayed a short time though, because I had decided before I came that I did want not to settle down in Delhi. I had a familiar old life there that I felt was at odds with my plans to explore uncharted terrain.
I had been told Bangalore was the best city to build startups and venture studios, but I really wanted to explore living in Bombay. So not long after returning, I headed to there for some meetings, and to see if I might want to live there.
April - Bombay
I loved it. I lived in a nice part of town with some friends, had my meetings that went quite well, and walked the streets in a way that isn’t possible in Delhi. I went on driving tours of the town, met lots of friends, saw celebrities at a concert, and sat in the occasionally endless traffic.
One specific day stands out in my mind. We’d gone for a Bengali new years lunch, and that afternoon our hosts’ top floor apartment was flooded with sunlight and life. There were about 40 grown-ups, 5 or 6 kids, 2 dogs, and an endless supply of Bengali food.
I met someone who was creating a food travel show for Netflix, some people who worked in the venture space, film students looking for new projects, and someone from law school I hadn’t seen in 14 years who was starting a children’s clothing line. Everyone seemed to have a hustle going, and was trying to do something new. I remember feeling so happy that afternoon, at having escaped the desolation of Toronto, and at coming to this place so full of life and possibility.
Another reason I loved my time in Bombay was the swimming pool I found there. I would shut my laptop at 6, and almost every day, go for a long swim. Afterward, bathed in a familiar post-swim glory, watching the sun set behind the Bombay skyline, I couldn’t imagine more perfect days.
I’d have loved to stay longer, but there was a family wedding in Delhi, and also a girl situation had developed there and had been cut quite short by my trip 😬
And so, emboldened by my meetings, and hopeful about the future, I headed back to Delhi for what I thought would be a short trip before Bangalore.
Delhi - For longer than I expected
The wedding was a bit stressful - my dad fell unwell in the midst of it, and though he was fine after, I did spend a couple of not-fun nights at the hospital.
I also felt somewhat out of place. I didn’t have the social safety blanket of at least one person I could always hang out with, and the wedding went from being a big party to a never-ending networking event. I felt exhausted constantly introducing myself to new people, and was particularly anguished on the last day when I missed a dance practice because no one told me we were having one.
After brooding in my room all afternoon, I went for a swim, and later, sitting in an hours-long bath, I wrote a long email to a friend about how terrible my week had been. These were the last three lines of it -
But there are things to be grateful about. My dad is getting better, and there’s hope that he’ll be fine in a few days.
And I’m in a beautiful place, and have had some of the solitude and quiet today, albeit perhaps forced, that I’ve been wanting for a while. And I did some yoga today, and swam.
And that at the end of it, there was you, who I could write to :)
I felt a lot better after writing that email, and quite enjoyed that last night, and didn’t do too badly in the dance either 🙂
After the wedding, the plan was to go to Bangalore, but I decided I needed a break from traveling, and to do some heads-down work. The meetings in Bombay had yielded lots of contacts I needed to follow up with, and there was lots of stuff about my venture studio I needed to figure out.
The next few months were fairly routine - consulting for entrepreneurs, speaking with students or college administrators for the venture studio, and building my network by speaking to other founders. I also still had clients in the US and Europe, so there was plenty to do.
Not having a partner/cofounder sucked though, and I was building all of my own, devoid even of the founder community I’d had in SF and Toronto. I eventually hired someone, though ironically this made things harder. I now had to assign work to this person, and the failure of sometimes not knowing what came next became a lot more public.
There were lots of ups and downs, days of gleaming possibilities followed by very dark ones. I carried on through more than a few low phases, because of how much I wanted to work on this problem. It spoke very deeply to me, I knew given enough time I would figure it out, all I had to was grit and bear through the pain, and I had done that before.
I made many many mistakes over these months, chief amongst them perhaps losing sight of why I wanted to do all this.
I wanted to do an in-person course with a group of young people looking for direction in their careers, and perhaps their startup ideas. The goal would have been professional independence for them, whether that came through a job or their own venture. Instead, I spent time trying to build a consulting business, talking about a venture fund, and many other things unrelated to this goal.
Another mistake was staying at home too long, which came with big drawbacks. I wasn’t getting enough exercise, I wasn’t meeting any new people, and had to drive long distances to see anyone other than my folks. I eventually fell back into the patterns I’d lived before in Delhi, which didn’t really align with work. Life became monotonous and drudgerous, without any sense of adventure.
I try not to be too hard on myself for this decision though, it was not without reason. The girl situation was a source of great comfort, and joy, and company. My dad’s health was up and down, and I wanted to be around. I didn’t find my own place in Delhi because I didn’t want to settle down there, but also at some point, the prospect of starting from scratch in Bangalore became quite overwhelming.
But I lingered too long, and took for granted the momentum I had.
May / June - The gas tank empties
A couple of months in, with the first big set of conversations resolving themselves, I was finding it hard to get a foothold. I was getting no’s from a lot of places, and almost universal discouragement from others who’d tried to build similar things. The girl situation ended too; she was moving to another country.
And while I was getting no’s in India, I felt all the relationships I had in North America withering. My US clients started to move on, and because I wasn’t there, it was harder to replace them. Interest rate increases and layoffs had begun in the US, and the fallback option of just getting a job there started to feel more remote. Old relationships fading, and new ones not firming up, I started feeling a bit trapped.
Although I had brought an insane amount of energy with me to India, I was now stuck in a rut and was struggling to find a way of recharging. I lost the drive to go meet new people, my work schedule came apart, and I started waking up later in the day, without a clear plan of what to work on.
Then a particularly bad week came. Four or five big conversations all ended badly. A family friend, after listening to my plans and progress, advised that I go back to grad school and try to get a better job. I came back both conflicted and infuriated, and told my mom. Although she had never brought it up on her own, when asked, she didn’t disagree with his assessment.
I had heard dissent and discouragement before, but without my bulwark of confidence and resolve, doubt seeped deep into my thoughts.
The following week I woke up with a searing pain of anxiety and fear in my stomach. I’d felt it before, but this time nothing I did could ease the feeling. Even meditating and doing yoga, my last and most potent defense, were powerless. Two or three days later, I was forced to accept that I couldn’t go on that way.
14 months had elapsed since I had quit my job and given myself a year to figure entrepreneurship out. It was a bitter, bitter pill to swallow, but along with my immediate plans, I decided to put my founding journey on hold as well.
Now what buddy?
There were lots of questions that came up at the end of this chapter - where would I live? Where would I work? But I tried not to think about them too much. I tried to relax, for the first time in a year. I canceled all my meetings and stopped checking my email.
I’d booked a trip to the ashram in South India where I spent a few years when I was younger, which became a much-needed break. I spent lots of time outdoors, meditating in the temple, and hanging out with kids in the school where I used to teach.
In one memorable conversation, someone there asked me why I wanted to go back to the US and work. I told her it was because I wanted to prove to myself, and perhaps to everyone else, that I was capable of professional success. She rolled her eyes, cursed the education system, and sent me a Jiddu Krishnamurthy book. I still sometimes think about my answer to her question.
Two weeks later I came back to Delhi and started looking for jobs, including in the country to which the girl was moving. Another cousin was getting married in San Francisco in August, and I decided to go and then head to Toronto for a bit. That established an exit date for my time in India, and honestly, I was relieved and excited about the change.
In the meanwhile, I talked to another founder about my situation, and he suggested I apply to a company that had helped him find consulting gigs. I applied and spent the next few weeks going through the interview process.
I was informed I’d passed the last stage during a family dinner just before I left for the US. Though that didn’t automatically give me a specific job, I was really glad I wouldn't be going to North America empty-handed.
That’s all for now. Part 3 here 🙂