The bursting of a little dam
Just me writing without purpose or filters. And some poems.
I met a writer a few days ago.
I just haven’t written in really long.
Its like water bursting from a dam, like I can literally feel it releasing in my chest.
I’ve just been working and working and working for months and months and months.
GPT for everything, never anymore just me and a blank page.
I was speaking to this writer this morning, and I realized how long it has been since I did morning pages. I was actually feeling sick in a way I had forgotten I recover from by writing.
And their writing is so clean and easy and uncensored. I miss writing like that. With work, everything has become a process, and there’s a pipeline and millions of drafts, and honestly, a lot of really nice structured writing. But nothing just because.
This person writes everyday, and I’ve just been feeling a bit inspired, and jealous, and just wanting to feel like the person who writes like that again.
So many inner critics / filters crying about me writing without a structure or purpose.
So a few months ago I got a personal trainer. I bought like 20 classes that had a deadline to redeem them. That deadline is this Sunday.
And so for the last couple of weeks I’ve been going to the trainer 4ish times a week so as not to waste classes.
Its been super fun honestly. There is much soreness, but the feeling of getting stronger is so addictive. I did pulls after many years again. I did some lower back exercises and imagined what it would be like to be able to flex those muscles. Legs and chest and shoulders have just been getting stronger. I look different now.
Its honestly great. It takes so much time, and you’re so sore, but it’s a whole other axis, outside of work, where you can feel accomplishment and progress.
:)
Another such axis is golf. I played a bunch in the US this year, and bought my first proper set of clubs. I’ve been playing 9 holes once or twice a week. I love it so much. Really. Just being out in nature, without cars, walking around, playing this super challenging game. Its so great.
For the interested - I shot 87 while I was in the US. It was basically a golf and swimming vacation for me. I took some mulligans, though not on putts.
I loved the par 3 there, played it a bunch.
I came back and I’ve been shooting about +12 on 9 holes. Its honestly my short game that’s saving me, driver and long irons are crap, and I still 3 putt.
Last time, for the first, I didn’t take mulligans or move the ball. I didn’t take any penalties but I don’t believe I went out of bounds. I shot +13, with 5 bogeys and 4 doubles. I had only 1 green in regulation. Annoyed. But yeah, no triples! I managed so save a double on par a 5. Hit my 5th shot from 180 yards, landed 50 feet from, managed a two putt. So happy :)
Think I’m going to start scoring properly now. Its a big step.
Hard to play 18 while working, stringing together a bunch of 9’s. There a small par 3 near my house that makes for a lovely walk. Waiting for the workouts to be over, gonna go there a bunch.
I think that’s all for golf :)
So much work to do in the house. Needs decorating and furniture and lighting. There never seems to be the time. I bought some nice lamps though :)
I’ve been on my phone a lot recently. Lots of youtube and instagram. :(
I had actually forgotten that one could write for pleasure. lol.
I was just thinking about work all the time. All my writing was going into that.
Work work work work.
I think work a lot guys.
Like a lot.
I’m annoyed its not gotten anywhere yet.
I want so much more progress. I want it right fucking now.
Its just frustrating that its taking so long.
Goddamnit.
I meant its fine. It’ll happen. But right now I’m just a bit impatient.
Should I publish the book? Its one thing I thought might bring credibility, the biggest self diagnosed problem I currently have.
I’ve written the crux of everything I’ve learned into a book. And there is actually no way for me to communicate that to people other than having them read the book. It’s a whole things that works together.
I actually feel a bit scared about dying right now. Its like I’m pregnant, and that if I die now, my baby will die too. Noone else but me can raise it right now. Its not strong enough to stand on its own yet.
I feel like once I’ve written it, and people have read it, it’ll live. I guess its fine if I die and it dies with me, but I’d like for that not to be the case.
I wonder if I should abandon all the other things I’m doing and just work on the book. I did that last november for a bit, and I loved it. I think that might be the move the more I think about it. Hmm. Other people and other work will have to wait then :/
This is the kind of stuff I normally write in morning pages. I don’t think I’m going to re-read this, or edit it. I’ll know when I get to the end. But I realize that writing this way is a great way to selectively communicate only to people who can read :) You are my people :) 😘
I’ve been wanting to write a poem. Its been really long. Less see what surfaces :)
From a deep well of blue and green,
Bubbles of air emerge.
From fathomless depths they rise.
They stream, they gush, they pop,
and if faced with a blank page,
splash across the surface.
I love it.
:)
You can just draw from the air,
you can pull whatever you want,
Like the sorting hat, the air really has it all.
Just reach out, and grasp.
My grimy water bottle,
I’d never learned to open,
figured the magic that kept it cold,
also kept it clean.
I was wrong.
:(
lol.
A little pang of pain comes,
the thought of a friend who lost someone,
who i haven’t reached out to.
so many of those little pangs floating around.
just poking randomly.
ha. I caught this one. Like a mosquito.
I squashed it.
But instead of blood,
it oozed pain.
the pain fills me.
just simple pain.
it requires no articulation.
The night is silent.
But for the fan,
But for the faint chanting.
But nothing from within.
I guess thats the end then :)
I’ve been having trouble falling asleep.
Could it be because I haven’t been writing?
I should start doing morning pages.
But then I won’t get to write to all of you :)
I miss you, the people who read my stuff.
I am very grateful for you.
❤️❤️❤️
😘
About time the dam(n) thing burst-- glad you did it!